Clueless
by Miss Poisonous
Summary: Sometimes, it's just right under your nose.
1. Chapter 1

**Yes! I have finally ventured into the Bones fic universe! And the romance genre universe, incidentally, because this is my first story to be categorised here! Well, it had to be Booth and Brennan, didn't it? Man I love those two. Anyway, I know this whole idea has been done quite a few times, but I like to think this is a different take on it. I hope you guys like it, cos I'm so excited to be part of the Bonesfic clan at last! I would love to hear your thoughts, good or bad (I'm not even scared of flames any more, though they're still not very nice). Thanks for reading! Assuming you do!**

**-Poison**

**Disclaimer:** _(Tries to hide lock pick, rope and balaclava behind back)_ What?

* * *

"Good morning, Agent Booth." 

As per usual, Zach received no acknowledgement.

"Time to go, Bones."

"What do you mean, time to go? Time to go where?"

"Hick country. Some farmer went into his barn this morning and found a corpse sitting in with his pigs."

"Dr Brennan has very important work to do," Zach tried to protest, but it didn't make the slightest bit of difference.

"Come on, Bones, get your stuff. Rotting flesh waits for no woman."

"Exactly how far along is the state of decomp?" Brennan asked, grabbing her coat from the back of a chair.

"I'll tell you everything you want to know, on the way," Booth promised.

"Everything?" Angela echoed slyly. Booth shot her a glare that was not quite serious before turning back to Brennan. Angela gave Hodgins a smirk and a poke in the chest as she made her way to the second level.

"I knew you'd kick my ass if I let them touch anything before you got there," Booth continued, "so I told them to leave it all exactly as it was until we could get there. But being in a pig pen as it is, the pigs aren't the only ones who want it out of there as quickly as possible."

"I'm coming," was all Brennan said.

As the pair started to leave, Booth's hand in it's comfortable place on Brennan's lower back, Zach called, "When will we be able to get back to _our_ work?"

Booth opened the door for Brennan. They were already deep in discussion, and both certainly unaware of anything outside of each other. Still, Zach tried one more time.

"It won't take long, though, will it?"

Jack Hodgins, who had been observing the young protégé with a knowing smirk and a tactful distance, now came up behind him, shaking his head.

"I really don't know why you keep trying."

Zach's puppy-hopeful expression darkened.

"I've got work to do."

"No you don't. You can't carry on without Brennan. And I think it's a fair speculation. I mean, the guy's never paid you the least bit of attention, and yet you keep sidling up to him like one day he's going to turn around and be your best friend. Don't you get discouraged, or offended, or something?"

"I'm just being friendly," Zach grumbled.

"But you're a _squint_," Hodgins reminded him, barely suppressing a smile. "In fact, you're the squintiest squint of us all. Agent Booth is very clear on the point that he does not befriend squints."

"He's befriended Dr Brennan," Zach muttered resentfully, obviously missing the teasing sarcasm in the bug guy's voice.

"Of course he has," he grinned, in a tone of one stating the glaringly obvious. "For one thing, she's his partner, so he didn't really have any option but to get on with her. I don't doubt that working with Brennan with no generous feelings from either party would be an excessively unpleasant experience. But he likes that she argues with him. He doesn't get challenged very often. Usually, he says something that he knows is wrong and that everyone else knows is wrong, they agree with him anyway because he's a superior. Brennan doesn't accept that straight up. He has to earn her respect, and he likes that. He likes that she is smart enough to catch the worst bastards, the ones no one else can catch, and yet she still needs him to explain things to her."

"Plus," called Angela from above them, never able to resist a discussion on her favourite couple, "she's gorgeous, and he's pretty much wanted to drag her up against a wall and kiss her until both their knees give out ever since she got back from Guatemala."

Hodgins grinned in Angela's direction before his focus returned to Zach.

"Sorry Zacko, he wouldn't have eyes for you even if he was half as much in love with her as he is now. You don't stand a chance."

Zach's eyes were as wide as Japanese anime. He followed Hodgins' glance up to Angela, then looked back at him incredulously.

"Angela's infected your brain," he said finally. Jack smiled.

"Fine. Keep at it. You'll see. The two of them are as clueless as can be, but you my friend are pretty tough competition."

* * *

TBC! 


	2. Chapter 2

Booth and Brennan didn't return to the lab for the remainder of the morning. Zach waited impatiently until lunchtime, getting steadily crabbier due to the distinct feeling of being the butt of the joke that he got every time he saw Angela and Hodgins grinning away together. He finally threw down the pen and notebook with which he'd been putting on a show of work, grunted that he was getting some lunch and left the building. Angela and Hodgins stared after him.

"He hasn't left work for lunch in two years," Hodgins said, looking as amazed as if he'd just been awarded the Nobel Prize for Best Bug and Slime Guy 2006.

"And isn't that his lunch over there in the bread bag?" Angela added, nodding to a folorn looking sandwhich and apple in a Molenberg bag with a knot in the top.

Zach, however, didn't have a thought for his plastic-encased lunch. In fact, he wasn't thinking about any sort of lunch. As loathe as he was to admit it, he was driven to distraction by what Hodgins had said. No, he wasn't stupid. He _had_ noticed that the doctor's fierce rebuke every time the word 'Bones' came out of Booth's mouth had dwindled to only in the presence of other people, then only when she was mad at him, then never at all. He _had_ realised that before Booth nothing and nobody could make Brennan drop everything she was working on and go off to do something else. But he felt inclined to retain a little sensibility in regards to his boss' partnership, unlike his coworkers. They, mostly Angela but recently with the added force of Hodgins, seemed to leap to all sorts of conclusions whenever there was the slightest contact between the agent and the anthropologist.

As an example, Hodgins' account of Booth's rescue of Brennan from the double-agent madman. Now that he found a little hard to believe. He just couldn't picture Brennan clinging for dear life to _anyone_, let alone Booth, who she clashed horns with over just about everything. Maybe the problem was that he found the fact that they'd become friends at all a little hard to believe, yet even he knew that friends didn't look at each other in that lingering way when the other wasn't looking. Maybe he was jealous. He'd always had a bit of a crush on his boss, borne from intense admiration. He related to her, too; neither of them understood a lot of common social ettiquette or popular culture, though she knew a bit more about tact and when to use it. Still, he couldn't help but feel offended at Hodgins calling _him_ clueless. He would never call Brennan clueless. She'd have defended him if she'd been there, too. Except she wasn't. Because Booth had spirited her away again. So yes, maybe he was a little jealous. Not like romantically, potential-lover type jealous. He'd never expect to go anywhere with Dr. Brennan really. It would be nice to have a little attention for once, though.

Zach had wandered quite far in his quest for a clear head, and when he realised that walking was not helping said quest in the slightest, he stopped in to the first bakery he came across. Mini-pizza and an afghan (though not as good as his youngest uncle made) in hand, he resignedly began making his way back to work.

He hadn't been back long enough for Hodgins to question his performing a miracle in leaving for lunch when the dynamic duo finally deigned to return. They entered much the same way as they'd left, deep in discussion and oblivious to their surroundings. Only this time the 'discussion' was loud enough for the whole lab to hear.

"I don't see what you're so angry about--"

"No, you wouldn't, would you?"

"--when you're the one who insulted a witness and completely ignored the decision made by the Agent-in-charge and took liberties when you had absolutely no authority and humliated me in front of my superiors _and_ lesser agents who are supposed to follow my example. When I have vouched for you every time one of them has questioned me for bringing you in, _every time_, and let me tell you, I get a _lot_ of questions."

"Well I think I have proved myself worth all the suffering you've clearly been through as my partner! How many cases do I have to solve before you and your FBI apes will treat me with respect?"

"Excuse me, _you_ don't solve anything without me or my 'apes', and I think we treat you with a lot more respect than you treated that witness. Without witnesses none of us would solve anything, it would do you a damn lot of good to remember that."

"She wasn't a witness! We cannot get actual evidence from an alleged 'psychic vision', we have no proof whatsoever that she was credible or that her story had any basis in fact! I'm sorry Booth, but I prefer to use _real_ evidence when solving a murder."

She stormed past him, forcing him to sidestep to avoid her.

"Clean those bones, Zach!" she barked, then slammed herself into her office. Booth shot a glare at the surrounding squints as if daring them to laugh, dumped a bag on the gurney and followed their irate boss into her office.

Zach waited a few moments, long enough to convince himself that the bag didn't actually contain dynamite and would explode as soon as he touched it. He was still a little wary even after talking himself out of that theory, because on closer inspection the bag certainly didn't look like it contained bones. It looked…squishy. Keeping it at arm's length, Zach opened the top. Inside was a disgusting looking sort of lumpy, greeny-brown sludge. Zach wrinkled his nose.

"_What_ bones?" he asked nobody, glancing hopelessly around for a more solid-looking bag. He closed the bag again, hoping it would hold in the smell that was starting to leak from it, and pushed it away with distaste.

"Hodgins, I think this is for you," he called.

He frowned unhappily at Dr. Brennan's office door, guessing he'd better find out where these hypothetical bones were before the good doctor could come out and take her temper out on him for not cleaning them.

He dragged his feet, taking quite a long time to move a very short distance, but eventually he reached the door. He paused to listen, trying to work out if the coast was clear or not. He couldn't hear or see a thing (all the blinds were closed), so he figured the storm must have blown over. He took the last step up to the door and opened it.

"Dr. Bren-"

Zach's mouth dropped open. The rest of his sentence was snatched out of his mouth and he was suddenly incapable of anything but gaping.

Booth had Brennan pressed up against her desk in a furious kiss. Her hands clasped either side of his head, entangled in his hair. His hands vanished somewhere between her waist and chest. At Zach's halted sentence, they jerked apart, Brennan knocking a vase and a plastic cup over as she bumped the desk she was leaning on.

"Zack!"

"Oh--!"

"What--?"

They all spoke at once, then a somewhat awkward silence fell. The office door slowly shut of its own accord, with a loud click that sounded distinctly ominous. Zach tried to undo the half-step he'd taken into the room, an action which backed him solidly against the door. He began fumbling urgently for the handle.

"Uh, sorry, I didn't think…I didn't know…you…um…"

"Zach, slow down a minute."

Zach was so unused to being directly addressed by the agent that when it happened he didn't know what to do. He looked at Dr. Brennan as though seeking her advice, but her eyes were fixed determindely away from his in embarassment.

"Okay. You caught us."

"I'm sorry, I should've knocked--"

"Zach, stop," Booth ordered.

Zach stopped. He shut his mouth and stared at the floor, feeling incredibly awkward.

"I'm sorry, Zach," Brennan said quietly. "That…was completely inappropriate. You shouldn't have to think about knocking; it's us that are in the wrong."

"We don't normally do that sort of thing when we're working," Booth jumped to both their defense. "And out in the field, Bones is completely professional."

"Makes one of us," Brennan muttered under her breath. Booth chose to ignore her.

"It's, uh, okay," Zach interrupted, unsure why they seemed to be seeking his approval. He just wanted to get out of there.

"We made a bad judgement," Booth continued. "It was a bad time and a bad place, and maybe we weren't thinking it all the way through. But we didn't intend to put you in this situation; we didn't _want_ to be found out. It's been really a lot better for everyone that we keep our relationship a secret. Bones is worth a lot more to me than impressing anyone, including my boss. I love her. But if this were to get out through gossip or some innuendo…I am sorry we've made you uncomfortable, but I have to ask you to do something. We need you to stay quiet about this. Especially around Angela and Hodgins. Given to those two, any news would be around the city in a few days, and it would probably not put us in a very good light."

"Uh," Zach said. "No. I mean, yes, it wouldn't."

Booth fought his smile, without much success.

"So, you won't talk about this?"

Having decided mouth shut was a better tactic, Zach shook his head.

Brennan, looking a lot more serious than Booth, took a step forward as if silently clearing her throat.

"Zach, I--I don't really know what to say, but I apologise. I should've had more self-control. I was completely thoughtless and irresponsible, not to mention unprofessional. I don't know what you must think of me."

"I expect your actions were perfectly natural, Dr. Brennan," Zach said in a would-be offhand voice. "When you habour a strong physical attraction and sexual desire for a person you are often in close quarters with, situations of high emotion and adrenaline commonly highten the libido, and it follows--"

"Okay, Zach, thanks for, you know, keeping this to yourself, but you probably have work to be getting on with, so bye, now."

"Oh," said Zach, suddenly remembering how he'd ended up in this unenviable situation in the first place. "Um, where are the bones you asked me to clean, Dr. Brennan?"

"Oh!" Brennan echoed her assistant. "They were following us in another vehicle. They would have arrived after us, but they should be there now. Sorry, wasn't…thinking."

She ventured an embarassed smile.

"Well, I'll go, and, um, clean them, then."  
"Good idea."

"Thanks, Zach."

"Okay. Right. It's okay."

He hurried out of the office, feeling as dazed as a morning-after hangover. One he'd rather not recover from and so remember all the embarrassing things he'd done. He was making a beeline for his workstation and distraction, when he distinctly heard Dr. Brennan's voice.

"You love me?"

He couldn't help it. He paused, straining to hear the agent's reply.

"I always have, Bones."

Zach continued down the corridor, feeling no inclination to hear what followed _that_ particular confession. He found repressing his smirks a lot easier than Booth or Hodgins did, but he could definitely see the opportunity arising a lot more often to let them free. After all, he held a very interesting card in his hand now. He knew their secret. Zach ginned as he opened the bag of bones. Perhaps he and Booth had something in common after all.

**Conclusion to come in the next day or two! Hope you're enjoying it!**

**-Poison**


	3. Chapter 3

"Good morning, Agent Booth."

"Morning Zach. Bones?"

"What do you want Booth? I'm busy right now. Doing my _job_."

"No time to argue, Bones, let's go."

"I'm showing Zach how to differentiate--"

"That's okay, Dr. Brennan. I'll analyse the deformities on the proximal and distal phalanges until you get back."

Brennan gave Zach a 'Don't let him bully you' look.

"Are you sure?"

Zach looked at Booth, who was giving him a 'Please don't encourage her' look. He smirked.

"Yes, it's fine."

"Don't worry, it'll only be a quick ID," Booth assured him, looking relieved.

"That's fine," Zach repeated. He was still smirking, and got a brief smile in return before he renewed his focus on the bones on the table. Brennan glared at them both suspiciously.

"This had better be something genuine, Booth."

"Of course it is!" he cried, feigning hurt. "Come on, Bones, who do you think I am? Now let's go."

He tried to help her on with her coat, but she shrugged him off impatiently.

"I can dress myself, thankyou. Don't feel obliged to assert your male dominance around _me_."

Rolling his eyes, Booth swept his arm in front of his body in an offer for her to lead the way. Zach remained bent over the table, but raised his eyes to watch their departure, and sure enough, by the time they had almost reached the door, Booth's hand had settled on her lower back, creeping towards her waist. Zach swallowed his chuckle and lifted one of the malformed toe-bones to his eye level.

"So, still sceptical, Zacko?"

With a long-suffering sigh, Zach put the bone down again.

"Just answer me one thing," said Angela, not really to Zach or Hodgins in particular. "Who do they think they're kidding? Look at them! He's practically got his arm around her waist! I mean, seriously, why don't they just jump in the sack right now and save us all the misery?"

Zach shrugged.

"You must have noticed," Angela said decidedly. She was already leaning on the table, her hands flat on the edge like she was intending to leap up and perch her bum on it. She looked behind her, and with a slight shudder took her hands off again.

"It's normally pretty easy to tell they're into each other," she continued, as if they were actually interested in what she was saying. Well, to be fair, Hodgins couldn't seem to take his eyes off her. "But lately, you see Booth looking at her and you can actually see the naked Brennan in his head."

"Please," Zach said. He was _trying_ to be all 'I don't care'-ish, but she wasn't making it very easy.

"If I didn't know better, I'd say those two were on the verge of confessing their undying passion. And I _know_ that Brennan has had too many sexy dreams involving Booth that will allow her to keep her hands off him for much longer."

"She _told_ you that?" Zach cried incredulously before he could stop himself.

"No, but I'm her best friend, I know these things."

With a sigh of half relief, half exasperation, Zach bent over the table once again.

"I have work to do."  
"There is a lot more important work to be done around here than checking out dead guys with three toes," Angela said.

"Like what?" Zach asked dubiously.

"Like moving our favourite partnership into that twilight zone I like to call 'Friends with benefits'. Once they have sex, they'll realise they're meant to be."

"I don't think that's your decision to make," doubted Zach.

"Of course it is," she replied breezily.

"They're not going to get there on their own, are they?" Hodgins put in. Zach glared at him.

"Exactly. And I for one am getting sick of those lovesick looks from Booth, and Bren trying to pretend she doesn't notice every time he enters a room. Ha! She's got her own built in Booth-radar."

"He'd do anything for her," Hodgins agreed.

"Totally. He's a hopeless romantic, and he would treat her so well if she'd just stop running scared. He watches her in total awe. He looks at her like she's an angel, and everyone sees it but her."

Zach raised an eyebrow at this, but Angela didn't see and Hodgins was too enraptured with her to notice anything.

"So, I think it's time we take action. Bren can't admit what she wants and Booth is too chicken…so we'll have to tell them ourselves."

"I think Dr. Brennan is perfectly capable, as a grown woman, to make her own decisions," frowned Zach.

"Brennan wouldn't know her own heart from your three-toed Chinaman's," scoffed Hodgins.

Again Zach raised his eyebrows pointedly, but didn't say anything.

"That's right!" enthused Angela. "All we have to do is a little harmless matchmaking, maybe put some thoughts in their heads (that would've got there anyway), and we'll ensure the happiness of our favourite anthropologist and her sexy G-man."

"Why do you keep saying 'we'?" Zach asked nervously.

"Obviously I can't do it competely on my own," Angela sighed, like she was dealing with the very dim.

"I can't see why you need me," said Zach hurriedly, his eyes on the bones in front of him. "I highly doubt I could contribute anything to a match-making. Besides, it's none of our business. It'll probably just make her angry."

Seeing that Angela looked slightly discouraged by this, Hodgins glared at Zach.

"Well, I don't know how you stand their raging sexual tension and inability to hide their attraction for each other, but I personally find it very distracting in a work environment. Therefore, I will help Ange in her noble cause, and you will have us to thank when this lab starts to run a lot smoother."

Angela beamed at him. A grin spread over his face and his chest puffed up like a little admiral.

"Thanks, Hodgie," Angela said, letting her hand drop onto his shoulder before trotting away with a purposeful air. Hodgins grinned at Zach as if he'd just proven some point, and followed her like a curly little puppy dog.

Zach let his gaze linger on them briefly, then returned to his bones with a roll of his eyes.

Honestly. Some people were so clueless.

* * *

**Liked it? Please review, it makes an author's day! Thanks for your time.  
-Poison**


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